when i think of home i think of the sun setting. and how the light pours itself into my room through the blinds and curtains and seeps through the walls making my room warm. and the way that the light bounces off of my lone red wall and sets my room aflame with color. my other three peaceful green walls become muddied by the blanket of red that comes over it. and in just a few more minutes its gone, and my room is once again just my room.

blah blah blah oh woe is me

some days (not very often) i get this god awful pain in my chest when i think about how lonely i am. yah yah sure im not alone, i have my family and my friends who love me. but still...its like my heart literally hurts. like somethings missing. as if there was this other half that is just not there and aches for its counterpart.
i look at everyone whos happy with someone and am scornful. bitter. hateful. i dont like this feeling. its foreign. and it makes me feel...i dont know...evil. clearly im not meant to be a villain in life. hahahaha.
like my mom always says "if i dont laugh at myself, i'd cry". momma, you smart cookie you. i laugh at myself and my own stupid jokes, cause if not i'd cry. and if i was being honest the two or three tears that escaped today when i locked myself in the bathroom made me want to ball my eyes out and sob like there was no tomorrow, but frankly i have shit to do.
maybe i'll become a workaholic.
...god that sounds awful.